This is weird.

This is weird.. right? I’m writing a blog. I’m not super trendy or overly social.. this is weird. But, I’ve heard this is going to be good for me so here we go.

We were diagnosed with infertility in October of 2019. I didn’t know that was our diagnosis until a few months later, but that’s what our doctor was alluding to us. I cried on my first visit in October. No one else in my family had fertility issues. If anything they all made babies easily, or so I thought. Looking back I see that I was in denial- denial that I had a serious issue, denial that we wouldn’t get pregnant, denial that this would be a big deal in our lives. Don’t get me wrong it felt huge. I cried, my mom cried, my father in law cried. It was big. But not really yet.

M and I decided we’d do whatever the doctor told us. I did some research into my diagnosis: PCOS. I dropped all gluten from my diet (also dropped about 15 pounds which was nice), started taking Letrizol on days 3-5 of my cycle and we kept moving on. Our first cycle didn’t work. So we upped the Letrizol and added estrogen. Our second cycle didn’t work. So we switched to Clomid and kept the estrogen. Our third cycle didn’t work so we maxed Clomid and kept estrogen. Actually, we’re in that fourth cycle now. I don’t have a lot of hope for it, though.

After our last cycle didn’t work our doctor told us that with my specific needs it looked like IVF would be our next option after maxing the drugs next month. WHAT? How did we get to IVF in only 4 months..? I went from not having a huge problem to IVF in a blink of an eye. How??

M and I decided we’d investigate our options for IVF, domestic adoption, international adoption and foster to adopt. Once we started investigating we learned how expensive those first 3 are. IVF is about $14,000 and has a 40% chance of taking. And it’s not covered by insurance. Domestic adoption is about $20,000, international ranges from $20,000-$50,000. All I see is dollar signs followed by lots of numbers and no decimals. We don’t know much about foster to adopt, but we have a meeting to discuss it. Today, actually. I’m cautiously optimistic for foster to adopt for us. It’s much cheaper, allows us to help a need in our immediate area, and seems like a less stressful option for me.

Isn’t it funny.. as I’m writing that I feel selfish. In this process I’ve felt selfish a few times for wanting things that most people want. I want an infant. Preferably without huge disabilities. Doesn’t everyone want that? But not that we’re “shopping” for a child it feels selfish and superficial to ask for those things. I know they aren’t, but it sure does feel like it sometimes.

Through this process God has been good to us. He has been patient and gentle. He allowed me to be bitter and angry for months. Crying in His house because I wanted to be obedient and praise Him but couldn’t because I was so hurt. He brought Mrs. D into my life. She is the Christian Counselor I’ve been seeing. She’s wonderful. He has used her to help guide me and remind me of His gently love. God has helped us rest in His sovereignty in this process and know that His plan is best. That doesn’t mean this is easy, but it means we find peace in knowing He is in control.

As I close up this first post I want to be done explaining our situation. I know this isn’t the last time I’ll walk through the past 4 months of our lives, but for a little while I’d be ok not having to go through this again. So, here’s to a meeting that could change our lives and weary hearts reaching out to Him.

Cheers to stumbling around until we find our family.